I woke up today knowing in my heart that the tugging feeling I have been feeling is not just a tug. Somehow, I had been calling it S.A.D. (Seasonal Affected Disorder) for a while now - ever since the first wind of Fall came through back in October of '08. However, things like depression have a way to find its way out of obscurity into the open via my actions: I have yelled at everyone in my path for the last weeks, I have cried in the shower, I have gained some weight, I have not brushed my teeth for a whole day, etc...
Fortunely, I have a wonderful husband (who is as insightful as a Buddhist monk and with the patience to match) who woke me with a tug this morning (refer to first line of post) and asked me rather bluntly: "ARE YOU DEPRESSED?" My answer, in my Stupor mode, was: "Nah! This is different". Then, of course, I could not go back to sleep because the nagging truth was screaming to come out: I do not have S.A.D. - I am depressed because my youngest baby is no longer a baby; I am depressed because the winters are long but not just because of the cold/no sun but because the isolation; I am depressed because I get to YET AGAIN reshift my motherhood personality from Mom-at-home-of-toddler-and-baby to Mom-at-home-of-toddler-and-Kindergartener; I am depressed because the emotional cut-off from my Brazilian family is no longer working to my advantage...
Long story short, the culminating point of my "WOW, I may be in trouble" epiphany came today when I dropped DS at pre-school, then talked to: a bunch of moms, the teacher, the co-op scheduler, etc... And, got back to the car and caught a glimpse of my chin smeared with yogurt/oatmeal breakfast!!!! Then, I got home, and I had NO ONE that I could share with who would understand.
About Me
- CTMom
- Connecticut, United States
- I was born in Brazil and moved to the U.S. in my late teens. And, since California was the place to go in the eighties, that's where I finished doing my "growing-up". Lived in many towns (and cities) in the Bay Area and the Greater Los Angeles. About seven years ago, I decided to join my boyfriend (now my husband) on his move back to East Coast, Connecticut that is. Since then, I got married, bore two children, lost a cat, raised a dog and left corporate to do the most natural (ha!) thing in the world - Stay at home with the kids! And, now, that I have so much to talk about and very little people who truly understand, I created a blog!!